#vincent is forever weird and fucked up in every universe and i love him for it

[hayloft-hell]

role swap rody and vincent would still have vince being obsessed with rody btw. like yeah rody's planning to kill the guy but vincent's just. so weird about it.

he figured out rody's plan to kill him early on and asked for more shifts. he's the one that suggests rody should eat him. he started researching cannibalism to learn the best cooking techniques to show rody. he's literally picking out garnishes that might go with his own flesh. and rody is super unnerved because sure it's personal but not that personal what the fuck??

[nicflurrymachinebroke]

RENFIELD

IT WAS FUN!!! I WANT MORE MOVIES THAT ARE FUN. This is why modern movies are in shambles, everybody wants gritty grimdark mud-brown Easter Egg hunts & nobody wants a goofy, fun mid-budget horror-comedy drenched in bright color with enviable sets that doesn't take itself too seriously. And Nic is acting his fucking CAGEUSSY off--I know it's not likely in like. Any universe where this man has this much debt. JK ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA HE BAILED HIS ASS OUT IN 2022!!!! (We'll see how long that lasts but also yeah you can totes see the run up to solvency in the output from like. 2015-2023 huh.) But---so---I would love to see him play out his upper years as a Vincent Price or Christopher Lee type figure, doing weird horror/sci-fi projects forever WHICH DOES SEEM PLAUSIBLE cuz a full HALF of the movies he's done since 2021 have been in that vein, and there were an additional 7 (out of 17) between 2017-2019 so clearly it's something he's into. Anyway, he was so FUN as Dracula & yeah, the character's a prick but you can just feel the fun he was having with it oozing out of every frame. I just want to hug him.

[mnthpprt]

Chapter 26: Buongiorno Principessa

I wake up to Lumière scratching the window. I glance at Leonardo. He is still asleep. I carefully untangle my body from his and tip toe across the room to let the cat in. He meows at me and bumps his head against my arm from the table, asking for attention, so I pick him up and carry him to the bed.

The second I let go of him, he starts purring and curls up next to Leonardo’s face. I watch, amused, as Lumière begins to lick the man’s hair, which gets caught in his rough tongue, causing him to jolt back and try to push it away with his paws.

My laughter wakes up Leonardo, whose eyes flutter open, and he sleepily pulls me onto the bed and holds me tight against him. Displeased, the cat jumps down and lays on the pile of my clothes on the floor, earning another chuckle from me.

“Buongiorno, cara mia,” Leonardo purrs, kissing my neck. I turn my head for my lips to meet his.

“Good morning,” I smile. “I wish I could stay, but I’m late for work.”

“Nooo,” he frowns. “But you feel so good, principessa. Please don’t go.”

I softly pry his arms from my body and pull away before giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Sebastian won’t be happy. Besides, I’ll see you later. You never seem to have any trouble finding me.” I turn to my clothes on the floor, which Lumière has turned into his new bed. “Sorry, little guy, but I need to take that. Go find another bed.” The cat stares at me for a few seconds, as if assessing if I am being serious, but eventually gives in, leaping away with a annoyed meow. “Thank you.”

While the clothes on the top have dried overnight, the bottom of the pile is still damp. And now they are covered in cat hair, too. I remember it’s laundry day, so I better take these to Sebastian before he starts.

Leonardo gets up and pulls me into a kiss before I reach the door. He’s making it harder for me to leave, but my will pulls through. I step out onto the hallway wearing nothing but his large shirt and my shoes from last night, carrying the rest of my clothes in my arms.

“You’re late,” Sebastian states when I walk into the kitchen, not looking up from the coffee he’s pouring. “I went to wake you up, but you weren’t in your... Oh.”

He raises his eyebrows when he finally sees me. I casually throw the clothes into a basket and take the coffee from his hands, sniffing the steam that rises from the cup. Sweet caffeinated ambrosia.

“Is that... Is that Leonardo’s?” he stammers. My gaze falls to the tiled floor as I blush. “Oh my god! Tell me everything!” He scrambles to pull a small notebook from his back pocket, along with a ballpoint pen, getting ready to write.

“I’m not telling you shit about my sex life, you weirdo!” I scoff, mockingly offended, but then a smile creeps onto my lips. I take a cautious sip of the hot drink and twirl away from him, giggling. “It was great. That’s it, Seb. That’s all you’re getting.”

“How long have you two been a thing?” he asks. I climb onto the counter, innocently dangling my legs in the air.

“About a week. But we didn’t... you know... until last night.”

“I can’t believe I missed that,” Sebastian mutters. To be fair, I don’t know how he didn’t notice earlier, either. He knows everything that goes on here. He scribbles something in his notebook before putting it away and handing me a muffin. “Here, try this.”

I bite into it without question, and let out a little pleasured noise. It’s blueberry, my favorite.

“This is bomb,” I announce with my mouth full, pointing at the muffin. I wash it down with some coffee before I continue. “Sebastian, I fucking love you. This is officially the best thing I have ever eaten.”

“You’re welcome,” he chuckles smugly.

I keep eating as he returns to his task. After I finish, I jump down from the counter and set the empty cup by the sink.

“I need a bath. Gotta go,” I say, blowing him a kiss from the door.

Later that day, Dazai comes to find me in the garden. When I see him approach, I stop trimming the hedge and climb off the step ladder, leaving the large shears on top of it.

“Good afternoon, Akari-san!” he greets me cheerfully. As usual, he calls me by a completely random name. I have given up on trying to correct him.

“Dazai,” I smile. “Can I help you with anything?”

“I can’t seem to finish this poem, but that’s not why I came. Perhaps some other time.”

“Oh? Then what is it?”

“Le Comte is waiting for you in his study,” he says. Weird, I can’t think of what he might want to talk about. Maybe he found out about me and Leonardo.

I thank Dazai and head inside. Before I knock on the door, I hear le Comte humming a melody inside. I feel bad for interrupting. His voice is angelical.

“You wanted to see me?” I say when he invites me in, gesturing for me to sit. There is a tray with two empty cups and a tea pot on the small table by the hourglass. I get comfortable on one of the armchairs, crossing my legs.

“Tea?” he offers, and I accept. He pours some in a cup and hands it to me. “I realized we haven’t spent much time together during your stay. I would be a terrible host, were I not to spend some time with my guest, don’t you think, ma chérie?”

“I guess,” I shrug, still unsure of where this is going. He definitely knows. “Is there anything in particular you’d like to talk about?”

“Well, I am aware of your and Leonardo’s relationship.” There it goes, straight to the point. “I am happy for you two. My dear friend certainly seems brighter.”

Oh, thank God.

“I am glad to hear that, Comte,” I smile. “I must admit I was nervous about you finding out. It’s a bit of a... complicated situation, and I don’t really know how to go about it, to be honest.”

He thoughtfully sips his tea before speaking again.

“Anaïs, do you wish to stay here?” I don’t answer. Instead, I bite my lip, pondering my options. “I would like you to know that you are welcome to stay at the mansion for as long as you like. However, once you go through that door, it will disappear from your time, and you will never be able to access it again.”

“I don’t know,” I finally sigh. “That means I don’t necessarily have to go back in a week, right? It will open again?” He nods. “I do want to stay longer, but... Forever is a big commitment. There are people that I care about in 2020, but I have come to care about you all, too. I know I would miss you if I left.”

Le Comte sighs, a sad smile on his lips.

“I dread the day that you do,” he says softly, “but the choice is yours and yours only.”

There is something in his voice that I can’t quite place. It sounds like regret, but there is more to it, somehow. Damn these pureblood vampires, always so hard to read.

“I guess... I’ll have to wait and see,” I conclude.

“There is no rush for you to decide, ma chérie. How was the exhibition yesterday?” he changes the topic, his charming smile returning to his face. “It is a shame that I could not attend.”

“It was great. Theo has so much talent for these things, all the pieces displayed were amazing. And Vincent’s paintings were beautiful, as always,” I recall, thinking of the portrait he made of me. “Oh, and I met Émile Zola! He was there too, and he loved it. We even talked for a bit, but I feel a little bad. The poor man doesn’t know what’s coming.”

Le Comte tilts his head, a curious expression on his face.

“What do you man, ma chérie?”

“J’Accuse,” I simply answer. He nods, understanding exactly what I am referring to. Four years from now, Zola will publish an open letter in a newspaper, denouncing the antisemitism and injustice of those involved in the Dreyfus affair. He will be brought to trial and sentenced for libel after a long and messy judicial process.

We discuss that for a while, during which I finish my tea. He serves me more, and I thank him, before he asks me about my life in the 21st century.

“I would like to know more about you,” he says. “I saw you roller skate. Competitively?”

“I used to, but I quit when I began working.”

“You are a chemist specialized in antiques conservation, correct?” I nod. He chuckles. “Ah, I was wondering what you spend so much time researching in the library. Leonardo told me.”

“Yeah, he’s been helping me with it,” I smile. “I like to borrow his genius every once in a while.”

“What about your family?” he asks, and immediately apologizes when he sees my face change. “Forgive me, I do not mean to pry.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” I reassure him. “My family is complicated, at best. My sister is the only one I keep in contact with, but we don’t talk much. She just started university this year, in Milan. She would swoon if she saw the dresses you’ve given me,” I chuckle. “She studies fashion design.”

Though our relationship is strained, I am as proud of her as an older sister can be. Despite the fallout with our parents taking its toll, I will always care deeply about her, and I must admit that seeing Vincent and Theo be so close makes me a bit jealous. 

“My friends are a different story, though,” I continue, unprompted. “I guess you could call them my chosen family.” Le Comte listens attentively, clearly wanting to know more. “There’s Jack and Carlos back in London. I shared a flat with them as a student, and we are still very close. Then there’s Mila.” I look up at le Comte, suddenly remembering something. “I’ve been meaning to ask, if I go through the door would I return to the same time that I left? Or will it be a month later?”

“It’s hard to tell,” he answers thoughtfully. “When I use it, time passes on the other side, too. But as a pureblood vampire, I can come and go as I please, within the door’s rules, of course. A human going through it is something unprecedented, so I truly do not know what would happen.”

“Damnit,” I mutter. When he gives me a questioning look, I explain. “You know, when I came here? I was supposed to pick up Mila at the airport the day after. She’s going to be furious when I get back.”

“Pick her up?” he asks. “I was under the impression that you were just visiting Paris.”

“Well, yeah, but I come so often I practically live here,” I laugh before sipping my tea. Le Comte mimics me, waiting for me to keep talking. “Mila is my oldest friend. She’s French, but I met her in my hometown when her father worked there for a few years. She lives in Montparnasse now. She had to travel somewhere right before I got here, so she left me her car and the keys to her apartment, which I was going to stay in anyway. Hence, well, me picking her up when she came back from... New Zealand, I think it was? I have no clue,” I conclude with a chuckle.

“She sounds like an interesting person,” le Comte chimes in. I laugh.

“She is. I think you would like her.” 

[ofmontys]

“ —  and if you’re just tuning in now, you’ve made it just in time for our ‘ sleep with me ’ segment. nightfall has sufficiently fueled my ego and i’m reared and ready to go, compiling a playlist curated to get one lucky, hand-picked bastard in bed with me. tonight’s submission comes from camila, age 18 2/3, from two towns over. ” rustling paper. a delighted scoff. “ tonight, as per camila’s request, i’ll be attempting to seduce vincent van gogh.  vince, this is acid ghost’s ‘ the artist’s high ’, also known as what i hope i can be for you. ”

or, alternatively :   yo yo, my dudes! the name’s linc (19/est/she&her) and you just witnessed an excerpt from bez holmes’s  radio show quite appropriately named, ‘ fuckin’ hell ! ’  that airs weekdays and sundays from 7pm to 8am! 

i am absolutely stoked out of my mind to write with all of y’all! beneath the read more you’ll find a very unapologetically messy introduction to my strange son, killian beelzebub holmes !

* TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET & CISMALE / / here we’ve got KILLIAN BEELZEBUB HOLMES , the TWENTY-ONE year old LOCAL RADIO HOST. with a reputation for being + SLY, + ANOMALOUS, - OSSIFIED, and - RECKLESS, it’s surprising we haven’t heard more about him. BEZ has been around faulk hollow for TEN YEARS, but they ain’t leaving anytime soon. you hear ME AND MICHAEL by MGMT? that means you’ll see ‘em soon. 

“road work ahead? uh, yeah, i sure hope it does!” ( alternatively: bez holmes, a roadmap. )

so bez is… kind of a nutcase. he’s just… he’s that guy in the bar who seems so desirable. voice like warmed honey, a smile that could kill – but dear lord, don’t get close to him. he’s fucked in the head. and unless you’re prepared for that, friendships/relationships with him can get... pretty darn overwhelming.

he’s a host at the local radio station, so he curates the music and talks through little segments throughout the day. well, i should say night -- because the show he’s known for occurs weekdays and sunday nights from 7pm - 8am. weird hours. weird guy. so it all clicks right into place! people tune in for the music ( a lot of indie eclectic vibes ) but also his personality. bez tends to veer off-script a lot, which both aggravates and amuses his superiors. he’s basically the only reason the tiny radio station is still alive & kickin’, so what are they gonna do to him, huh? fire him and take the whole station down with that bullshit move? not likely. so bez’ll keep doing and saying whatever the hell he wants on air, thank you very much.

can he get... a mfing... cinnamon raisin waffle???  dude’s friggin’ obsessed. don’t mess with his waffles, man. waffles don’t play.

has a knack for stumbling into stupid situations. y’know how there’s two kinds of people in this world? the kinds that act upon the universe and the kinds the universe acts upon? bez is that guy in textbook math probelms who has 42 apples for no apparent reason. he’s the dude in on top of spaghetti all covered with cheese whose poor meatball fuckin’ rolled out the door. things happen to bez holmes no matter how much he might try to convince you otherwise. his whole life is just a string of varied ( and usually nonchalant/unbothered/troublingly chill ) reactions to crazy shit.

case in point:  why did the holmes family move to faulk hollow? well. their old house had like... a freakin’ meltdown. yes, the house. it swallowed their dog. and their mom. casual... house-y things. but when people ask, bez and his father like to say they just wanted to “ see the sights ”. and apparently faulk hollow was one of those.

[ tw: death, murder mentions ]   basically, faulk hollow offered a place for them to disappear, since the disappearance of bez’s mother couldn’t exactly be explained to and/or believed by police. bez’s father is wanted for her murder. so they friggin’ skrrt skrrted out of iowa and plopped down here, under the radar. “holmes” is an adopted last name.

so bez has been here since his 11th birthday! honestly, he probably earned a reputation pretty quick for being that kid who’d, like, “hey buddy!” at all the insects on the playground.  “ do you believe in magic? ” was often his best icebreaker.

so... fun fact. he accidentally inherited his dead dentist’s vintage jukebox. yes, i know how that sounds, and it’s exactly that. but dear lord, that thing has just been infinitely fucking with him since the day it showed up on his doorstep three months ago. more about that later!

an example of a normal occurrence in bez’s life: “hey. so, uh… i know we just met, and maybe this is moving fast? but i saw this keychain in walgreens and it made me think of you. so… yeah. here. tell anyone i did anything nice for you and you’re dead to me tho.”

he seems smart. he seems so cunning, you guys. like, holy shit, he makes these deep ass statements on the air and curates music that makes people feel things. but don’t be fooled. he’ll drive wearing shades at 10pm just to look cool, all while bumping 80′s glam rock from his blue ‘67 impala. he’ll do that cliché head bop at stoplights, encourage other drivers to join in.

don’t call him killian!! killian who?? his parents gave him “beelzebub” as a middle name to be funny and fuck with his mother’s father, who was a pastor. what they didn’t bank on was four-year-old bez insisting on being called by it – you can guess how well that went over with his teachers and his peers. so to appease them, he accepted the nickname “bez” and has gone mainly by that ever since. most people probably don’t know his true first name, since he goes by “bez” on the air. but close friends and trusted individuals might occasionally call him “kill” or something to that effect.

pets are not bez’s thing. every houseplant he’s had has died. succulents wilt in his presence too, and he thinks maybe at this point, it’s a running joke among plantkind because his birth name has the worldkill in it. still, even with his track record, he has a fish named nigel. nigel dislikes affection and bez. they engage in staredowns and silent mental warfare. bez often “forgets” to feed nigel or change the water in his tank, but that fish just will not die. nigel’s probably just truckin’ on to spite him.

aggressively writes the wrong date for like… 8 months following new year’s. so he finally gets it right for the final ¼, and then the cycle begins again. additionally, cannot keep the days of the week straight. he’s started a multi-song alarm campaign in an attempt to rectify this situation. bez’ll report his findings in a week. if he remembers.

one time he got pulled over for speeding back from the radio station at 7 in the morning, and you know what he did? he freakin’ offered the cop some hard shit from his flask and some of his opened bag of funions. so the two of them got tastefully buzzed in bez’s car and talked about the kardashians for two hours. and it was through that very conversation that bez learned he’d been doing a very shit job of keeping up with them.

scared of birds. yes. those things? with the wings? terrified. how dare they occupy space above his head. how dare they swoop and swerve all around. no. his neighbor in iowa had a parakeet. maybe that bird finally went missing one day, while they were on vacation. maybe it escaped. to like, the afterlife. maybe bez helped. maybe.

he’s really bad at like … taking care of himself? funions, candy, and takeout forever.  what do you mean raisin bran crunch isn’t a wholesome, well-rounded meal? you mean you’re not supposed to pour the entire carafe of syrup on your waffles every time? someone… pls fix that.

hella prone to bullshit! like… did you know aliens are real? yeah. really. hey did you check your horoscope today? what zodiac sign are you? he’ll pretend to know what zodiac he is like: hey, uh… listen .. . if your zodiac is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend… i’m a caprisun & it’s just not gonna work out. sorry.

memorizes commercial jingles. will sing them to prove points.

“what the fuck’s a kanye” - bez holmes, 2k18

“a mug shot? i don’t even drink coffee.” ( alternatively: more pointless headcanons because apparently i think this is necessary. )

don’t be fooled by the title of this section. he drinks coffee. a lot of coffee. with a lot of sugar added to it. could probably kill a horse, tbh. he’s not sorry.

his signature half-smirk drives folks mad. he also has a collection of faithful listeners who like to call in and tell him how soothing his voice is.

lowkey writes his own music? lowkey was in a band called ashes when he was 13; it lasted about 6 seconds. lowkey has a few things recorded on his laptop? but he’ll never actually do anything with ‘em.

owns an unironic walkman! enjoys it immensely! i know!

catch him in the local 24 hour diner spending his life savings on cinnamon raisin waffles and dimes for the jukeboxes! because LMAO, he’s not using the old one at his place!!!

convinced said old, stupid, 1947 jukebox in his apartment lays host to goblins. that thing shakes and quakes at odd hours. it’ll play shitty pop music that isn’t even in the dumb catalogue. sometimes it lights up when he trips over his own feet or accidentally burns his microwave popcorn. the fuckin’ thing is possessed and it’s mocking him. so, naturally, what is there to do but appease the tiny beings inside it?? he makes biweekly sacrifices to it – mainly consisting of snack foods, candies, a casual sprinkling of his own blood. y’know. casual.

super into space? honestly would love to grab sushi with an alien sometime?

uh…  he’s convinced everyone he sleeps with kind of mysteriously dies exactly 53 hours after. maybe that was inspired by like... two isolated incidents. but you can see how this is… kind of a problem, for a guy who likes to sleep around from time to time. is he a murderer? uhm, no, not exactly – but he’s grown kind of immune to the guilt at this point. he stalks obituaries a couple days after his one-night-stands, just to check. so far, it hasn’t been a 100% consistent thing, but... he’s worried. he’ll still leave the bar with you tho. ;)

he’s trying out this whole new thing of like… not going all the way? trying to save lives? but it’s really difficult and he’s losing resolve. he also can’t exactly tell his buddies, “ stop introducing me to your hot friends; if i fuck them, they’re dead. ” that probably wouldn’t go over well. he’s got enough crazy on his plate trying to appease the damn goblins.

consistently blindsided by genuinely liking other people? so if he’s into you... he’s gonna look awestruck and baffled like 99% of the time your face is within a 1-mile radius.

he’s always running his hands through his hair, which just adds to his #indiegrungeaesthetic, if i’m honest.

“girl, you’re thicker than a bowl of oatmeal!” (alternatively: wanted plots.)

childhood neighbor / best friend.   i would love to have a person ( or several )  who knew him growing up (from age 11 on), and kind of got to bear witness to how strange he’s become? maybe even be weirdos together? i dunno, let’s talk. we

past relationships.   i imagine he’s had his fair share of flings in the past. he’s made many mistakes for sure. let’s uncover them.

close friends.   #squadgoals. but really, though. i’d love for bez to have a tightknit group of 3-4 people who he just clicks with. they wreak havoc, but it’s all in good fun.

enemies.    i would love to have an enemies plot that’s actually hilarious? like one tiny thing catapulted these two into a mutual, deep, to-the-bones kind of hatred. it’s irrational, but they’re so infuriated by one another’s presence that all they can do is think of stupid quips and glare from afar. i imagine their public interactions bring onlookers a lot of poorly stifled laughs, because it’s just like… they’re so obviously trying so hard to hate one another with absolutely zero grounds.

miscellaneous.  maybe they got his mail and returned it to his door, and it sparked the beginning of a beautiful friendship. maybe they met in the park when this person’s dog peed on bez’s shoe. maybe they’re a frequent listener to bez’s show and they bonded over that? or perhaps they both enjoy engaging in semi-friendly grocery store competitions to see who can get to the ripest apples the quickest? anything’s possible!

chris! is that a weed?!  smoke with him, my dudes!! or like, anything? my guy’s not shy about investing in “life enhancements”.

but yes come message me on here for plots or hmu for my discord! so hype!

[munchbunch97]

An Open Letter From a Small Bi Human

Hi hello this is a bit of a personal thing but hey hoooo, if you don’t want to read this it’s really okay. I just want to talk about religion and my relationship with it.

I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community I am also a Muslim.

From the age of twelve I have not really prayed and I began to question my beliefs in god. Around this time of my life I slowly started to realise that my feelings for women aren’t “normal”. I believe that deep down I knew I wasn’t straight but I was terrified of it. So I berried it deep. I live in Saudi so twice a year we’d receive talks in school that were very anti gay and trans. I grew up being taught that gay sex leads to your anus to lose it’s muscle strength and that lesbians raped people. I was never introduced to the term bisexual until high school. I was taught that if you wanted to be gay you had to pick a side. Either you were with god or against him. Either you loved your sinning self or you love god. There is no in between. It is black and white.

So since I’m queer I can’t be Muslim, right? The answer to my small 12 year old body, I believe, was yes. I knew I wasn’t like everybody else and I knew that that meant I couldn’t feel as spiritual as them. 

I’ve also been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I hated myself and looked for anyone who could validate me and I didn’t feel like that was going to happen in my home life. Then came music.

I always saw people crying in the mosque praying to god, shaken, and I always wondered why I never felt like that until the day my thirteen year old self heard Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I loved it so much. I felt like I’d never heard anything that made me feel like that before. I was in a hotel room in Syria crying on the bed listening to the guitar solo on repeat. And that’s when I decided I loved music.

I made it a goal that I was going to learn how to sing and I did. Pretty much all day, no matter how I felt, I sang. And the more I did the better I got. I started writing and I was so proud of myself. Then one day in Art class I joked with my friend that I was going to go on Arab Idol and she just stopped everything she was doing and told me to stop, “You want to bring shame to your entire country?” and I realised that this wasn’t an option, this is something I couldn’t do. I don’t hate my friend, I’m not mad at her, she was young and grew up and the toxic environment that I did. 

I stopped writing music then but for some reason I couldn’t stop myself from singing even though I felt like dying most of the time. Music has saved me when no one else could. I love it more than anything because when I was struggling with mood swings and a constant racing heart it was the only constant in my life.

When I got into high school my mental health got worse. I fell into a much deeper depression that reached it’s lowest in my year. I couldn’t sleep, I was self harming, my grades struggling, basically I was a cliche. And my friends started to notice and worry, they sat me down and said they were worried about me. That’s when I realised, fully, this isn’t what everyone goes through. 

That year I dug my nails into my skin, took pain killers, overate, starved myself, isolated myself... Any way I could hurt myself was fair game. Because it was a release for all my frustration. I was angry and hurting and I couldn’t fix it. I was stuck and felt like I always will be. 

Until the day in my bathroom, with a handful of pills and no more hope. I sat there for what must have been an hour just starring at my hand. A million thoughts running through my head. Will I do it? Why wouldn’t I? It would all be over. I would be done. Until it clicked in my head, I hadn't written a note. I was going to end it all and I hadn’t even written a note. I was going to leave my mother, my friends, everyone I loved without a reason. I was going to leave them blaming themselves, wondering if they could have done more. I was going to make them suffer because I forgot to write a note. I flushed the pills down the toilet. And sobbed.

They always tell you that killing yourself isn’t the answer, that you’ll pull through whatever you’re going through but they never tell you about the shame that’ll follow you for not going through with it. I felt like a failure for not being able to let it all go and just die.

One day I was looking through YouTube trying to make my friend a mix CD. I came across this band called Panic! At the Disco. They were weird and I didn’t know how I felt about them. But as the time passed I fell in love with them more and more. I began dissecting the lyrics in my room. I looked up to Brendon Urie so much. This weird, ridiculous band helped light that spark I had as a kid just a little bit again. And the song Girls/Girls/Boys helped making me feel a little bit okay with being not as straight as I wanted to be. 

A few months afterwards, I “jokingly” came out as bisexual to one of my friends. “Don’t say that, you’re not one of those people.” Needless to say I went so deep in that closet I was in freaking Narnia. Again I’m not mad at my friends for anything they have said in the past. I understand the environment they were raised in because I was raised in it too.

After high school I felt very lonely because I went to a university all on my own and the friends I had for the past six years (at that time) were scattered all over the country and even the world. I had to learn to make friends which didn’t go very well because I look very different and people treated me like an outsider. So that`s when I turned to the internet. 

Back then I was a huge fan of Dan and Phil, and I met a group of young people that helped me accept a label I thought fit me at the time, asexual. I think I was so scared of the idea of being attracted to the same sex that I denied myself all attraction. These women, man, and gender fluid human validated me in a way I had never experienced before. They loved me and thought I was funny and talented and didn’t care what I was. If I said I think a girl was cute they wouldn’t call me a “lesbo” they would actually join in. After a while we drifted apart but their kindness will stay with me forever.

After a while I saw this boy online called Vincent. He was one of the prettiest boys I had ever seen. I crushed on him hard. One day he posted on his blog that he wanted to make new friends and I sent him a stupid message saying that I would love to be his friend. We started talking and I found out he was asexual too. I really liked him and the more I talked to him the more I liked him. Then he told me about this guy he really liked... and boy oh boy had I ever felt heartbreak like that before? nope! (JK it lasted a day and I was over it I’m just dramatic). But I decided to encourage him to go for it and that’s how we got closer as friends. 

After a while I realised I didn’t feel like the label I used fit me anymore. But I was terrified he would hate me because I had somehow lied to him. When I told him his response was so... chill. “Oh okay, that’s cool.” That was it. He was so okay with it and that was exactly what I needed. For a while I went without having a label and slowly became more comfortable with the label Bisexual.

I also became very close with two other people, Nea and Jamie. Both of them mean the world to me. Thy have helped and continue to help with my depression and constant struggle with my sexuality and gender identity.

Through this time all three of my new friends encouraged me to upload my covers online. I started covering Panic! songs pretty regularly and through that I befriended Beth.

Beth is someone who I owe so much to. When we became friends she told me she made music and I just fell in love with everything she made. I really looked up to her. I found her so talented and interesting so when she believed in me and told me that I should start writing music I took it as my fucking life mission. I kept getting better and she was always there for me when it came to both music and life. She taught me everything I know about music and reminded me just how much I loved it. She gave me a sense of purpose I had forgotten I had.

Skip a year forward and Pulse happened. I had never felt so shaken to my core like I did that day, any little sense of security and faith I had in the western world for people like me was gone. With the shooting came the pretending I wasn’t hurt, I was stripped away from my right to mourn because of my society. I had to listen to someone I loved say that he “doesn’t condone the shooter’s actions but he wishes he could burn all those people alive” and I had to laugh. Like it was a joke. The fact that this person that I care about would burn me alive if he knew. It hurt so much. Every part of me hurt. But I wasn’t allowed to show that hurt.

But when my younger brother made a joke about me being gay I just broke. It was only us together so I stood in the middle of the H&M and stared him in the eye and the words just left me. “I’m bisexual” I just said it. He was shocked and didn’t know what to say. He said that he loved me even though he didn’t agree with it. And that may sound awful to someone on the outside but there was nothing more comforting.

After that I came out to my two best friends, their response was the same as my brother except for the fact that apparently it was obvious to them. Which isn’t ideal but at least they don’t hate me. Ayy?

I’m not sure what the point to all this is. I know my story isn’t particularly special. I am just a human being struggling with my religious identity and my sexual one. I don’t have the answers to all the questions I have. All I can say is one thing, it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to still be figuring it out. I still live in Saudi and I’m very closeted when it comes to my every day life. But the idea that I am somehow living a lie is so untrue. I am still me and my sexuality isn’t all of me. There are people who won’t care who you love. You will eventually find your safe space, it took me 18 years but I wouldn’t trade those people for anything. I believe in you if you’re reading this. You get to live your life the way you want to. You get to believe in what you want to. And I promise you, you will be okay. We’re all broken a little and that’s why we need each other.

I love you all and stay safe,

em

[callmeblake]

By Deb Draisin

Frank Iero, now that his stint in My Chemical Romance is behind him, is nothing if not a man with 25 irons in the fire while the flames lick the ceiling. His current undertakings this year include a six month world tour, which commenced with two months in Russia, for the October release of “Parachutes,” the fledgling project of his latest outfit, Frank Iero and The Patience (which includes all members of frnkiero andthe cellabration, save for newcomer Alexander Paul, replacing Rob Hughes on bass.) He is also releasing a four-track EP entitled “Keep the Coffins Coming,” has contributed a track to the ACLU benefit album put together by Taking Back Sunday’s John Nolan entitled “Music For Everyone,” all while the patience recover from a terrible accident which almost claimed the lives of his bandmates – and it’s only April. Frank was sweet enough, as he always has been, to give JB a bit of his time this morning as the band gears up to hit the road next week, with their first stop being the iconic Music Hall of Williamsburg.

Q: Good Morning, Frank – it’s been a while since we’ve spoken last - how are you doing?

Frank: Good Morning, Deb. Yeah, it has. I’m great, thanks, and you?

Q: I’m good. Tough year though, for both of us: death, accidents, insanity, lost wages.

Frank: So just like every day, in other words (laughs.)

Q: Point. Okay, first things first, since we’re both aficionados: best horror films to come out within the last decade?

Frank: “Fun and Games” was fantastic.

Q: Thank you, I’m gonna go check that out, because everything that I’ve watched is just awful. Like “Annabelle” had such high ratings – it was terrible.

Frank: I’m so disappointed by every one of those movies. Like “The Conjuring,” all of those movies – they’re all fucking bullshit.

Q: Awful. “American Horror Story” was awful. The only thing decent was “Lights Out,” that one was alright – you should check it out.

Frank: I heard “Get Out” was really, really good.

Q: Yeah, but here’s the thing: “Get Out” had some slasher stuff, but it’s more like a comedy. You think you’re going to get scared out of your wits, but you’re laughing the entire time. It’s kinda like a Freddy Kruger movie.

Frank: Ah, okay – well, that doesn’t bum me out too much; I like the campiness. If somebody were to try and do that in a newer realm, that could get really dumb, but, for the most part, I can really appreciate camp.

Q: All the Vincent Price shit was really, really good.

Frank: Oh yeah, anything with Vincent Price, you can’t go wrong. Like “Last Man On Earth,” when he’s putting the stake in?

Q: Oh, yeah!

Frank: (laughing) You couldn’t cut an apple with the amount of force that he’s using. I love that fucking movie.

Q: He was the master. There’s a scene in “Dr. Phibes Rises Again”where he’s eating fish through his tracheal hole. He starts choking on a bone, so he pulls it back out through the side of his neck. That will never be topped. The Hitchcock movies were also really good. What was the best classic, for you?

Frank: Maybe “House on Haunted Hill” - I love that movie. The Universal stuff was fantastic, but I have a specific memory of watching “House on Haunted Hill” with my father as a kid.

Q: Yeah, I used to watch with my dad too. We used to have Horror Saturdays.

Frank: Totally, yeah. I definitely got to see a lot of shit that there’s no way I should have (laughs.) My dad went to go see “House on Haunted Hill” when he was a kid, and it scared him shitless. You know that scene where they have the skeleton go across on a cable?

Q: I love that scene, it’s so fucking funny.

Frank: So, they did that in the theater when it first came out, and people lost their fucking minds.

Q: Yeah, they used to do things like that. Like that fifties alien movie, when they ran all this viral marketing on the radio, and people thought aliens were really landing.

Frank: “War of the Worlds?”

Q: I think that was it, yeah - I fucking love that shit. Speaking of Vincent Price, there was a scene in one his films where he addresses the audience directly - the one with the hand that comes to life by itself?

Frank: Oh, was that “The Tingler?”

Q: Pretty sure. The theater would turn all the lights off, and while Price is telling the audience “Nobody move, it’s amongst you!” the theater would zap them with buzzers underneath their seats. They don’t do shit like that anymore, Man.

Frank: Nowadays, people would just have a heart attack and sue.

Q: True, you’re probably right. So, let’s take a moment for this, since all of us parents love to crow about our kids: name one really cool thing about each of your little guys.

Frank: I love how fearless they are to be themselves. That is one of the things that’s so precious about youth, you know? There’s no self-consciousness at this point; they just have this inherent weirdness that they’re not afraid to show.

Q: Well, that’s you guys, too. If your parenting style allows them to express themselves, then they’ll feel comfortable doing so.

Frank: I hope so. That’s the thing: once you smother that – if you snuff that out, then you’re in for a long haul of shit. We have our entire lives to feel self-conscious - you don’t need that at six.

Q: No, but they’re fucking schoolmates will do that for you. Also, you know, the therapy bills will get really high once they start blaming you for everything that you sucked at. Now, considering the current unfortunate political climate, is it maybe time to resurrect “I Want to Kill the President?” You could give it another name, they won’t know.

Frank: Oh, man…that was an expensive, expensive mistake (both laugh.)

Q: Nobody prepares you for that, unfortunately.

Frank: That kinda shit is funny if you’re a single person, but not if you have, like, kids and a wife - putting other people at risk, that’s not cool.

Q: They don’t tell you these things when you become a grown-up.

Frank: No, they don’t, it’s a shame. I should have been smarter about it.

Q: You should have just given it another title – that’s all you had to do. They would have never known the difference; it’s artistic license.

Frank: Well, you know, when you’re young, you don’t have any fear of anything.

Q: And then they teach you really quickly that you definitely should. So, let’s talk about this EP that’s coming out, “Keep the Coffins Coming.”

Frank: Once the touring for “Stomachaches” was over, I had a conversation with my manager, Paul, around January, and he was like “Alright, what do you want to do? What’s the next thing?” I really wasn’t sure just yet, so we had this discussion about bucket lists. I was writing a little bit, but I really didn’t know what the next record was going to be yet. It came up that I had always wanted to work with Steve Albini.

We called Steve, and he had like three days free, so we packed the cars up, and I drove out to Chicago and recorded this EP. The only songs that I had, as far as new stuff, was “I’m A Mess,” and this demo idea for “Veins.” “Veins” never got finished, but we recorded “Mess,” an alternate, full-band version of “Best Friends Forever,” “No Fun Club” and a cover version of “You Are My Sunshine.” So, those four songs are the EP.

It’s weird, though: I don’t consider that version of “Mess” to be a demo - it’s still a full version, just different than the LP version. When we went in with Ross, I didn’t know if we needed it, but I love it just as much. I love both versions the same, and I think it’s really cool to hear where that song started from, and then where it ended up. Both versions have validity, you know? That’s why releasing this EP made so much sense, I think – it’s such a bridge between “Stomachaches” and “Parachutes.”

Q: So which version of “I’m A Mess” will you be showcasing on the road? Frank: Ha! A different live version. Q: Cool, sounds good. How do the kids feel about you covering their song? Frank: Good question! Lily’s psyched about it, because I showed her a video of us playing it in Russia, with all of these kids singing along to it, so she went “Am I…am I famous?” I said “Yeah, I guess you are. You’re an international songwriter now – all of these kids know your song. That’s kinda huge.” Q: That’s right. Nepotism is alive and well in the Iero household. Alright, so it’s been a really tough year for you. You lost your beloved grandfather (I feel you there,) and then you had a near-death experience yourself. How has that all changed your approach to your art, and to life, really? Frank: Geez, I don’t know. I guess…I’m still here? It’s non-linear: each day is different. I think about all of it a lot, on a daily basis. It just changes you. I don’t know if you know specifically how it changes you, you just know that you’re a different person – not necessarily for the better or for the worse, just…different. Q: Of course. How is everybody doing? Are you guys physically and emotionally okay? Is it relative? Frank: Well, there’s a lot left to do recovery-wise, and a lot more living left to do. Q: Christ. Do you know how that happened? Do you have any details as to why? Frank: You know, we’ll hear certain things through, like, third parties – police reports and stuff like that. There is an investigation that’s ongoing. From what I can gather, I think it was just a terrible accident. Q: Whew, crazy shit, Man. Frank: Yeah, it’s super fucked-up. Q: The story you told was insane: I can’t even picture that. Did your fucking life flash before your eyes? Frank: It does a bit. You think about a lot of things; things become really clear. Even though it’s just a moment, it lasts a very, very long time. Quite honestly, you think about everything. There is a peaceful realization that you come to, and you kinda say goodbye to everything. Q: (sucking in a breath) Wow…what was the first thing you did afterward, call home? Frank: Yeah, once everyone got packed up. The first thing is to make sure that everyone is getting some kind of medical attention. The second thing is to call home and let them know that something’s happened, and you’re all going to the hospital and will contact them from there - and whatever they do, they should not look at the news. Q: Sure, because the news will just say that there’s been a horrible accident, and that’s it. God, poor Jamia: two of her family members hospitalized in another country. That had to be the worst. Whoa, I can’t even imagine. Frank: And as far away as you possibly can be too - it was super shitty. Q: I’m glad you guys are okay, or at least working on being okay. Frank: Thank you, Deb. Q: Has the accident brought you all closer together in a way? Does something like that change your relationship? Frank: Yeah. It’ll be six months on Thursday, so we’re gonna have a little get-together. It’s impossible to live through something like that and not have a special connection. Q: Absolutely. Wow, six months already, holy shit. I get it: nobody else really understands what it felt like in that moment but you guys. Whew. Okay, let’s get off this subject and find something happier to discuss. You’ve mentioned that you had considered going back to school at one point – what would you have studied? Frank: I had close to a Bachelor’s, but left just shy of it. I would like to have a diploma – I’d like to have finished. As far as a specific major or concentration, I don’t know. I was working on an art major, but it was like “Well, I can quit now, and go and really live in the art world, or I can stay here and study about it and at the end of it, then I’ve got to get a job? I have a job right now, what’s a piece of paper?” I felt like opportunity was knocking, and I had to go and live it. So, that’s kinda the thing, right? Do you sit there at home and talk about art, or do you go out and live it in the real world? Q: I don’t think anybody else at 18 or 19 years old would have made much of a different decision. You think differently when you’re older. Frank: Yeah, but I would like to finish it somehow. I don’t know if I have the time just yet. Q: It’s fucking hard. I’m in my third year now, and it’s going to take me five years to get my B.A.. Frank: Sure, once you’re out of it for so long, it’s a hard thing to get back into, I would imagine. Q: It’s hard, but your attitude is different, because you care. Frank: Yeah, I feel like you’re not as concerned with it. There are other things that are way more important to you, but when you do go back, you’re going back specifically to finish – you have a goal in mind. Q: Because you want it – you’re not trying to make your parents happy, or whatever. Frank: Exactly, exactly – and I think that’s a great thing, but at the same time, I haven’t written a paper in a very, very long time. I don’t even know if I have those muscles anymore. Q: Well, if you’re a writer – which you are – that’s actually the easy part, especially if you��re writing about art. The harder part is, like, tests. Frank: That’s true. Studying, I guess, is going to be the hardest part. Q: Studying sucks, and I’m terrible at it. Okay, so let’s get into “Parachutes” now. Do you have a favorite line from “Parachutes?” Frank: A favorite line, or a favorite song? Q: Both? Frank: Favorite song is “I’ll Let You Down.” It might be because that song was never supposed to be, to be honest. I’d written it on acoustic guitar, on tour, and I really thought of that song as only an acoustic song. But our recording process got pushed back a week, and in that week, we were just kinda sitting at home in this, basically, holding pattern, and I had that song. So, I wrote a quick, live band arrangement for it, and said “Well, let’s just try this while we’re here.” It ended up being one of my favorite songs on the record. Q: I like that one too – it’s fucking super catchy. I’m looking forward to seeing it live. Frank: Oh, thanks – yeah, I hope so! (laughs) Q: Right? Imagine I was like “Oh, fuck you, I don’t care.” Okay, so that’s the favorite song. What about the favorite line? Frank: Geez, I don’t know if I can boil it down to one. Maybe “Nothing can hurt me like I hurt myself.” Q: That’s fucking relatable; seconded. That pretty much sums up how everybody feels most of the fucking time. Frank: True! Q: Do you think that heartbreak is the artist’s bread and butter? Do you think you could continue making art if you were one hundred percent content with yourself? Frank: You know, that’s a hard question, because I don’t like to think that you can only create when you’re unhappy. I think that you need the experience of both. I think sometimes it’s easier to create from misery, but I’d like to think that it’s not the only way, that it’s not a requirement. Q: Well, we wouldn’t know, right? For those of us who are never satisfied with ourselves, we don’t know what it’s like to be that way. Frank: That’s the thing, right? Everybody asks “What’s your best advice for somebody who’s aspiring to be an artist?” So that’s basically: only do this if you really, really wanna be in an old, loveless marriage. Love something so much that does not give a shit about you - lifelong self-hatred and disappointment. Q: Yes! My boy and he and his guitar player have been scolded that if they’re any more self-deprecating, it’s going to become uncomfortable for the audience (both laugh.) Frank: That was one of the things that made me so leery of going into the studio with Ross Robinson – I thought that he was going to be this imposing breakdown of a force – yelling at you and throwing things at you. But it really was the exact opposite! It was all positive - I’ve never been a part of something so positive. A lot of dudes, like, break you down to build you up, but all he did was built you up from where you were. He was more inspiring for me as an artist than anyone else I’ve ever worked with. Q: So you got off on positive feedback, imagine that! Frank: I know, isn’t that crazy? How did at happen? Q: I don’t know! Okay, so you’ve stated that the lyrics on “Parachutes” were intended to be an unfiltered snapshot into your mindset at the time. What’s one thing that you wish that more people understood about you? Frank: Oh, man…wow. That, I think, I have to answer with a line from “Mess:” “I’m tired of miracles and being so understood.” I don’t think you need to be that understood. I think it’s okay that certain things are just for you – you just create and you get it to come across, and if you’re telling the truth, then that’s fine, whether people truly get it or not is secondary. One of the things that, as a younger person, I didn’t truly understand about art is that the final act in an art project is to release it to the world and relinquish control. I was so worried about that, like “Oh, this is mine,” you know, it’s your baby, blah blah blah – but that truly does not matter, you know? It’s about the final act, and just kinda putting it out there and releasing it – just like the final act of parenting; relinquishing control. Q: No, I’m on the cusp of that right now, stop! I’m dreading it. Frank: It’s the hardest thing, the hardest fucking act, but it’s so important. Q: Yeah, I know, it is important. Can you say something about fan boundaries issues again - something you’d like to let people know about how frightening and intrusive fan behavior can be? Frank: Well, I think it’s important to remember that we’re all people – all of us – fan, artist, everybody. When you start to see someone as not a person, but just like a product or an entity, that’s when things get really hairy. It’s important to have that sense of personal space and time so that we can give you our all at the show. Q: You have always been super chill about coming out and meeting fans every show – it’s surprising to me that you’ve run into issues. I realize that sometimes you’re in a country where you don’t play often, but… Frank: Yeah, I try to keep that in mind, that each culture is different. Q: Thank you so much for your time, Frank, I’m looking forward to the Brooklyn show. Frank: I can’t wait! Thanks, Deb. Read up, listen up, watch a vid, and buy some shit: http://frank-iero.com Give Frank a shout: www.facebook.com/frankieromusic/ Twitter @FrankIero Tweet the rest of the Patience: @MattOlssonMusic @ TeamGrippo

[dxvins-blog]

NETFLIX REPRESENTATIVE: “Thank you so much for speaking with us today !! First, we just need you to introduce yourself and say who you play on University.”

“Thanks for having me! My name is Devin Weber and I play Vincent Gassel.”

NR: "This show became so popular so fast; the pilot episode broke records on Netflix. So, how does it feel to be apart of something this successful? Is this overwhelming for you or are you loving it?”

“It’s completely overwhelming, but the best kind of overwhelming. This is my first project, so I really didn't expect it to get this big! It’s crazy. I'm so thankful.”

NR: “I have to ask, have you had any weird fan encounters yet?”

“None face to face, no. But Twitter... I’ve had some odd links sent to me and read some... interesting tweets. None are negative though, so I shouldn't complain.”

NR: “What’s the best memory that you’ve made on set so far?”

“Aldo and Kai, who play my roommates - we’re just three big goofs, and when it's all three of us together for a scene, it’s hard to get through sometimes. We have a scene early on where Vince walks in on Felix in the shower, and then Clayton busts in too, and it’s just one big shouting fest with Aldo practically naked off to the side, constantly under freezing water - it took forever to get through it without cracking up. He’d get so pissed every time we had to reset, but the scene turned out awesome.”

NR: “Oh! What about your most embarrassing moment on set?”

“We were shooting a scene at night for a party, and I was totally exhausted. Vince was drunk so I was acting all stupid like he is, and I kept on fucking up and calling Daphne Margot by mistake. We had to reset the scene like three times because of me - I hated it. They were good takes, too! I was just being dumb.”

NR: “And, who is a celebrity — any celebrity, dead or alive, that you wish could guest star on the show?”

“John Krasinki, from The Office. I don't even know how many times I’ve watched that show start to finish. He seems like such a cool guy... John, teach me your ways.”

NR: “Okay, let’s talk about your character now. What is your favorite thing about them?”

“Vincent has great qualities! Most people take him to just be some big dope, but he has a really big heart and is struggling in his own ways a lot. At the end of the day, his best interest lies with others. He just wants the people around him to be as happy as carefree as he is. He’s willing to make a joke out of himself to do it, and I think that’s one of the sweetest things.”

NR: “Would you say you and your character are similar?”

“I just like to make people happy, too, so we’re similar in that sense. But really, Vince and I are total opposites. He’s very outgoing and fearless, and unforgiving for his actions, good or bad. But I like it. I let go of all restrains with him, it's very refreshing.”

NR: “What are some hopes that you have for your character in the upcoming episodes?”

“That’s hard to say without spoiling some stuff... But I want a bit more of his personal background to be revealed; all we really know about him is that he’s a dumb rich kid. When people see him, all of him, a whole new light will be cast on him, and I can’t wait for that moment. Where he goes from a comic relief to a three dimensional character.”

NR: “If you could play any other characters on the show, who would you choose and why?”

“One of my boys, for sure. Either Clayton, because he’s such a homie... or Felix. Felix actually, I think. He gets a lot of make out scenes.”

NR: “We’re actually going to play a little game of Never Have I Ever to see if you are anything like the characters on the show! I’ll say something and you say if you have or if you have never and explain it if you’d like. First one — Never Have I Ever cheated on a significant other.”

“Oh, never ever. That’s a pretty big no-no.”

NR: “Never Have I Ever had a one night stand.”

“That one is a guilty ‘have’ from me.”

NR: “Never Have I Ever been too shy to approach someone I found to be attractive.”

“You just described my entire high school life.”

NR: “Never Have I Ever not gotten along with a roommate or coworker.”

“Everyone on cast here is wonderful, it’s almost impossible to not get along. Some people butt heads, but it’s nothing serious. I have before, but it’s worked itself out.”

NR: “Never Have I Ever accidentally walked in on a hook up.”

“Does walking in on your parents count? Because I’ve totally done that accidentally before.”

NR: “Before we wrap up, I have to ask, what is this I hear about you and your co-star Cara? Rumors say that you two have a little fling going on. Is this true?”

“Cara? Oh, well… her and I are great friends, yeah. We’ve been going out for a little while now. We connected instantly when we met, and I’m just so lucky to have her.”

NETFLIX REPRESENTATIVE: “Thank you again for coming to this ! We’re all ecstatic about how well University is doing and to all the viewers who are watching this, you can catch a new episode of University every Sunday on Netflix !”